Like many expats I moved to Spain for a less stressful life with certain fringe benefits such as decent weather and less PC. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up dealing daily with the Spanish bureaucracy whose role in life appears to be to turn the simplest of tasks into a battle of wits. A frontal lobotomy may have been a simpler alternative.

The last few weeks have been particularly traumatic with Trafico demanding a certain phrase appears on invoices for cars from outside of Spain but refusing to tell us what it is until we get there by trial and error. Town Halls demanding that car owners register on the Padron when it is not obligatory for holiday- homers before they will accept our money for road tax. What?

I was going to have a rant about this and then thought you never know they may have some cleaver bleeder reading the English language press to see how they could trip us up next, so I will let that go. Paranoid –no? I just wish that they would leave me alone.

So how about a couple of jokes to ty and regain some sanity

Always wear clean underwear in public

Especially when working under your vehicle. From “El Pais” comes this story of a Torrevieja couple who drove their car to Mercadona, only to have it break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he got the car fixed

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

What me officer?
A Guardia Civil officer pulls a driver over for speeding.
Guardia: “Señor, do you know you were doing 110 KPH in a 90 zone?”
Driver: “Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”
Since he had not seen another car the Guardia asks – “Señor, have you been drinking?”
Driver: “A little bit of brandy, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”
Guardia: “LSD? Señor, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?”
Driver: “Certainly! There is at least 5 Kilos of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the boot, or the person I just kidnapped will escape!”
The Guardia, not believing in what he heard and a little afraid, called his chief.
On his arrival, the Guardia told the Chief all of this. The Chief told him to wait by his car and goes to speak with the driver:
Chief: “Señor, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your boot!”
Driver opens the boot: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my spare wheel”
Chief: “What about the AK47 under your seat?”
Driver pulling his seat backwards: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”
Chief: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove box”
Driver opens the glove box: “you must be kidding! Only my log book is here!”
Chief: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”
Driver: “Officer, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t even drink lemonade! That Guardia over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, armed, a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? What else? That I was speeding too?”